365 of 365

This might be another typical end-of-year post from me :')

So today is the last day of 2015. Typical sentence that would usually come out is "eh cepatnya masa berlalu, baru je semalam new year" Ha ha. So let's rewind back of what happened in 2015. I never had any specific new year resolution whenever it's new year. Cumanya perkara common bagi pelajar macam aku ini adalah nak perform setiap semester and I guess that had never really been achieved the way I always wanted it to be. 

2015 is another challenging year for me, I must say. Many ups and downs happened and I am so thankful for that.  I thank Allah for this beautiful life.

Earlier this year, I had chance to perform Umrah together with my family. Alhamdulillah. It was the most precious experiences among all. Sepanjang hidup 23 tahun, itulah aku rasa pengalaman dan moment paling manis paling indah paling tak boleh lupa paling tak boleh move on dan paling rindu sampai sekarang. I miss everything about these two Holy places. I miss myself when I was there, the weather, the calmness, the people, the routines I woke up everyday for and everything. 

Then came my industrial training that gave me 1001 priceless moments and experiences, not just about the training itself but it was also about life and new circle of friends. Acececeh. I joined society program and I met a lot of good people from the program. 

We (my girl classmates and I) had an amazing pre graduation dinner and I started to feel sad to finish this degree thing because to finish it means I cannot meet them regularly/everyday macam sekarang. The bond is so strong. Sobss :'(

I learned through the hard way that no matter what situation are we in, we could only depend on ourself. Major heart breakdown, I learned the grace of letting go though it was hard. 

I went through a minor operation in April and it was horrible. Masatu rasa macam sakit sangat tapi mama abah sentiasa (setiap masa) ada dengan aku tak pernah cakap letih tak pernah bosan menjaga. Lepastu they were so worried I was not gonna be able to survive industrial training because of the operation. Alhamdulillah, I survived and I am much better now. 

And I am now struggling to complete my FYP (and report) and having my final examination for my last semester. Rasa macam baru aja daftar masuk main campus lepastu pergi taaruf week lepastu sekarang everyone is struggling to complete FYP already. Time flies fast huh? :')

Selamat tahun baru 2016 everyone. May this new year be better than before. 

dream vs reality

This post will be a long one, bear with it :')

Have I ever told you here that this engineering thing/to be an engineer once was never my true passion? I have been dreaming to be a doctor since I was little. Cliche I know but every time I needed to tell others (my parents, teachers at elementary and secondary schools and friends) what I wanted to be, it had always been "a doctor". That cliche ambition stayed until I got my PMR results and it was still "a doctor", I said to myself. Thus pure science stream. Then I did pretty well in my SPM. Oh and, I was soooo into memorizing subjects (Chemistry and Biology to be precise). I once hated Physics so much because I had difficulty to understand the subject. 

When I had to apply for university and matriculation things, it was still "a doctor" or "something biology or chemistry thing". Hence, I was a bit speechless when it turned out to be "Engineering and Computer Science Foundation" at IIUM when the UPU result came out (but it was indeed one of my choices). I also received the offer from Pahang Matriculation Centre to do Bio Science. But I opted for IIUM. Ha ha ha, I know. 

Once again, I regretted my choice to accept the IIUM offer (after the choice of Engineering and Computer Sciene for UPU) earlier in CFS. Betul dik, akak pernah rasa menyesal gila babi sebab accept the foundation offer. Mulalah macam "apahal aku tak isi semua bio sience, jangan ada satu pun engineering". I was even thinking about changing to medicine or something related to biology and chemistry, ha ha. Tapi masatu aku fikir "tunggulah tengok first semester dulu macam mana" and bammm! I did so bad ha ha. So that was a goodbye to medicine. Jadi kekal dengan engineering walaupun masih blur what the hell engineering is all about. Serius. 

And then came main campus where all the challenges started. Aku malah pernah terfikir nak rebel. Macamtu la jiwa masa junior years sebab yelah, benda apa engineering ni pun kita sendiri tak sure. Lepastu fikir pasal subject Physics yang I once messed up back then during secondary school. Sebab dulu mindset aku hanyalah "Engineering is Physics". Bila dah dekat main camp barulah sedar dan tahu yang it is not only about Physics. It is also Mathematics and Calculus. Ha ha ha sekali lagi. Lega sikit beb. 

People say engineering is cool. Well the reality is not that cool. Tak cool mana pun. Some people even said "studying engineering is easy, you just need to memorize the formula(s)". Kahkah. Nak tersedak aku dengar ayat tersebut. Cerita hafal formula tu betul, tapi kalau sekadar hafal je tapi taktahu nak guna masa bila itu yang disaster. Jadi dulu-dulu selalulah terbit theory sendiri masa final exam sebab banyak sangat formula nak kena ingat sampai tak tahu yang mana satu nak kena guna, tak tahu formula yang ini untuk soalan mana. Thus, own formula is the solution, ha ha ha. Aku selalu buat macamtu, percayalah. 

Tapi senior years' subjects are not all about calculation anymore. They are not even much about complex Physics and Maths anymore. They are more on designing products and managing the engineering companies, what more if you are in manufacturing engineering. Those are most of the things that you have to deal with.

The thing is, choose wisely adik-adik. Jangan dah terhantuk baru nak menyesal macam aku. Ha ha walaupun dah tak ada dah rasa menyesal tu sekarang, but the what if's questions are still sometimes confusing me. 

I always wonder how my future will look like. But I always said to myself to keep trying my best today so the future will be smooth and good, InsyaAllah. 

p/s: I even feel like giving up approaching the end of my last semester, all thanks to FYP but I keep telling myself "sikit lagi, sikit lagi" repeatedly. May Allah bless and ease this journey for me and my friends :)

learning

"It's okay. Learning is a good process. Take your time" -FYP Supervisor

Sometimes you have to face some difficulties in order to learn new thing. Sometimes you have to go through rough time to finally see the good in something. Sometimes you have to feel weak in order to build yourself a stronger woman. Sometimes you really need to start doing to see the outcome. You have to always think that there are other people facing a lot (and difficult) more problems than yours.

You have to help yourself, to be strong and finish this thing.

the struggle

No, this is not about me trying to move on again. 

"You are already the 7th of 8 engineer as you are in your final semester now. We need to equip you with a good presentation skill. The struggle is so real, huh?" -Lecturer, 2015.

Nah, presentation (or talking in front of crowds) isn't really my thing. Tapiiiiiii, no matter how I wanted to avoid it, to finish this engineering thing I will have do this thing (at least for my FYP). Ha ha. 

The struggle is real huh? I only have 10 credit hours of subjects this semester (plus FYP and lab), but the projects and workloads are piling up macam tak ada hari esok. Dah kalau semalam pun aku tak reti nak gunakan masa sebaiknya, janganlah complain kerja banyak ke apa *cough*.

Semoga zuhaida berjaya menghabiskan this last semester dengan jayanya dan grad dengan gaya. Ha ha. Kata nak bergambar convocation rare dan viral? Ehhh? 

to be (act) strong

No matter how many times I told myself to be strong, I always end up in tears. A few months have passed, I am still crying myself to sleep. Yeah, I know. It shouldn't even be a big problem because I have something more important to be taken care of/need more attention instead of this. I suddenly cried so bad last few days when I was already fine (I guess) last few weeks. Thanks to an Indonesian movie I watched late at night before sleep. It was very sudden tears when I have been trying so hard to control them from coming out, ha ha. So I guess I am not fully moved on just yet, huh? 

stereotype

Siapa dekat sini yang jenis susah nak terima satu benda baru kalau dah suka dekat something? Ye, aku lah tu. 

Contoh macam makanan, atau pakaian. Kalau aku dah suka satu perisa/jenis/jenama tu, aku jarang nak switch kepada yang lain. Kecuali kalau masa nak beli, yang aku suka itu tiada (atau sold out) atau whatever the reason is. Aku selalu aja berfikir-fikir nak tukar pilihan aku, sampai 40 kali fikir masa sebelum sampai kaunter. At last aku pilih yang selalu aku order itu juga. Sigh, I know. Itulah dilema seorang zuhaida yang tipikal.

Kenapa macamtu? Aku pun taktahu sebabnya. Mungkin takut yang baru itu tidak sama dengan yang lama? Memanglah tidak akan sama, kalau mocha dengan green tea memang selamanya tidak akan sama kan. Ha ha. 

Kalau circle kawan-kawan pun sama. Aku jarang nak expand my friendship circle. Selalunya akan berkisar sekitar orang-orang yang sama. Mungkin sebab itu aku ini tak ada kawan yang ramai? Mungkin takmahu letak high expectation?

Kalau class project yang perlukan group work, aku takut betul kalau lecturer yang form the group without giving us the chance to choose the members. Nanti dapat group mates yang tak boleh kerjasama, susahlah kan? (Eleh padahal takut takdapat sama group dengan member).

I always said to myself "I got to expand my circle, a lot are yet to be discovered" but here I am. Kalau circle berkembang, maka kita juga akan gain a lot of new experiences kan? Barulah ada banyak benda berfaedah yang boleh dikongsi bukan? Ya benar sekali. 

p/s: We heard a lot had happened around the world recently. Don't stop praying because that is the strongest weapon we have :)

doing fine

This Isabella by Amy Search & Joe Flizzow song has been on repeat since 12.30 am, when I should be studying because I got midterm examination and quiz coming up next monday and wednesday. Gosh, I know.

I am doing fine I guess. 

Someone (my best guy friend) asked me "luka haritu dah baik betul-betul ke belum" made me think like thousand time "which luka was he talking about". I even scrolled our whatsapp conversation to see if I ever told him about any. But then I realized that he was asking about 'that luka'. Nampak macam dah move on kan sebab sampai dah lupa luka mana satu sampaikan teringat "did he actually mean any physical wound" sebab I told almost everything. Dari benda pasal belajar, vacation, family, friends to any random thing, and he does the same. Tapi sebenarnya aku belum move on sepenuhnya. Entahla kenapa susah sangat, selalu rasa ada something yang belum kesampaian which I don't know what the hell is that. 

Bammm! 

Family and friends have been really helpful. Thank you for that. 

Oh, and I am officially 23 on 18th October. I wish for nothing but to finish this degree on time so that I can hand the scroll over to my parents, to be an engineer and to be a good daughter. Amin.

sepuluh

while I was busy to keep myself distracted, 

and then it's October,

my favorite month among all. 

Yeah, I was so busy keeping myself busy

People said "distraction is one of the way to move on", hence I am distracted at my best ha ha. 

It's not that I don't want to move on, but it is not that easy.

Ha ha padan muka.

good plans

*writing a good thing is not easy, sigh*

Kadang-kadang yang kita plan baik-baik itu tak menjadi, tapi yang kita tak rancang comel-comel itu yang menjadi malah lebih baik dari yang kita dah plan baik-baik itu.

Samalah kita expect kita akan jumpa dengan someone yang kita rancang (yang kita tetapkan karakter macam mana yang kita nak), yang selalunya kita sebut itu kita takkan dapat. Sebab kalau kita memang bukan ditakdirkan dengan that someone, kita berusaha separuh nyawa pun kita takkan dapat. 

Eh, rasa macam belum layak bercakap/menulis pasal ini.

Kan dah kata, nak tulis sesuatu yang bagus is not easy.

previously

I was thinking about deleting the old posts on this blog because ........

They bring a lot of memories. And some of them were written involuntarily (read: 'meroyan' mode). Ha ha. I've deleted them and I just left a few that I wanted to keep. Hence, a fresh start (hopefully). 

This breakdown is not that severe, but shutting the memories away is not that easy as expected. I've faced difficulty sleeping these past few days. I think too much. But it will heal with time I guess. I just don't know when the hell the time will come. 

I am off. Good night. 

random places

Have you ever went through photos of random beautiful places and said "I have to come here one fine day"? Sometimes we don't even know where the hell is the place, in which country it is located. But we just fall in love with the photo(s). 

Well I did, often in fact. Tumblr always makes me imagine I am at those very places and taking a lot of pictures. Blame Tumblr for this. Ha ha. 

People say daydreaming is free :)

photo from here

  

Who knows we, somehow and by any mean will be at those places that we once dreamt about. 

look happy and be happy

"You look happy. Why are you happy?" he said.

How can I be happy when you are part of my happiness?  I am not happy with this, but I am trying my best to hide this sadness and be strong girl just like you asked. I am not happy, but the relief, I cannot even imagine by myself. I fought for you, hard. But the spark is not there anymore. 

Maybe it's time for us to start thinking about our future, our own path. 

"There comes a day when you realize turning the pages is the best feeling in the world - because you realize there's so much more than the pages you were stuck on". Found this on twitter. This is just so accurate with time. 

Moving on is never easy. It takes time, and a lot of patience to do that. And I am trying to.

pengalaman

Orang cakap makin jauh berjalan maka makin luas pengalaman kita. Maka aku rasa nak mengiakan cakap tersebut. Selama ini hidup aku hanya berpusing sekitar university life (baca: pergi kelas, balik, makan, study, tidur dan ulang sampai habis), sekitar rumah, sekitar kawan-kawan universiti, kawan-kawan sekolah. Bila aku mula praktikal which I once didn't like it (we, in fact didn't like it) sebab kami diletak di department yang terpesong langsung dari apa yang dibelajar. Yelah, dah kena buat wiring walaupun sebenarnya aku tak suka sangat benda berkaitan electrical/electronics. Memang terpesong 360 degree. 

Cerita sebenarnya, I met a few good people here. People with different life backgrounds and stories. Those people taught me many new things, walaupun bukan secara direct. Cara mereka cerita pasal kehidupan mereka, cara mereka bekerja, cara mereka handle themselves well buat aku fikir dari satu prespektif lain. Lain orang, lain cerita, sama ada yang bernasib baik atau yang tidak. Semuanya ajar aku sesuatu yang baru. 

Yang penting sekali, syukur. Sebab kadang-kadang aku pun nak rebel pasal kehidupan aku. Tak tahu apa yang perlu dicomplain lagi sebenarnya. Sebab ada ramai lagi yang kurang bernasib baik tapi mereka happy. So why not me? 

So, instead of the facts that I hate doing electrical/electronics engineering works and I count how many days/weeks to finish with this thing, I am happy doing my internship here (kot). I don't know with my other two friends. He he.

The second important thing, self survival sangatlah penting sini. Yelah dah duduk rumah sewa jauh dari mama abah. Semuanya kau kena buat sendiri. Dekat sini barulah nak reti rasa jenuhnya mama abah cari rezeki untuk anak-anak. Sebab aku dah rasa dah susahnya. Amboi sembang macam dah kerja betul (masukkan ikon sinis). 

"Macamtu la susahnya mama abah cari rezeki untuk kakak adik. Sekarang adik tahu la susahnya nak bina kehidupan sendiri" -Mama (and will always be remembered)

Gambar: tumblr

Kan orang cakap setiap apa yang jadi/yang dipilih mesti akan ada hikmahnya. Cuma lambat dengan cepat sahaja beza dia. Setiap hari pun aku harap benda ni. Kalau tak sekarang, kemudian nanti aku akan nampak hikmah dia. 

I am done. Phewww, sampai berjam nak habiskan satu post.

p/s: Selamat Ramadhan.

bukan apa

Kalau cerita balik apa kita buat, 

nanti orang claim kita ungkit semula our good deeds.

Tapi ada pesen manusia yang tak reti appreciate usaha kita ni buat kita rasa panas hati juga. I am trying my best here.

I am struggling my best to give you space you said you need.

Tapi bila makin aku beri ruang tu, kau macam makin jauh.

Why is that?

Maybe it is time to move on and walk away?

Maybe.

Kalau.

Kalaulah dulu aku cukup kuat to say those very words to you. 

Kalaulah.

p/s: Tahu tak rasa macam 'eh kenapa tak habis lagi 8 semester?'. Blerghhh. 

sangat rindu

Masjid Nabawi, Madinah.

Pic courtesy of me. 

I miss this place, the breathtaking view, the people, the routine that I woke up early in the morning for, the cool yet refreshing weather and the calmness. I just miss everything about this place. Rindu rasa yang aku tak perlu dan tak teringat untuk fikir urusan lain macam contohnya kerja program, result yang bakal keluar tak lama lagi (masa tu result belum keluar), urusan internship dan semua pasal lain. Yes, that feeling. 

I just love this place. Walaupun sejuk dia macam nak terkeluar asap dari mulut, yet still it was a pleasure for me. I love the feeling that aku rasa aku sangat dekat Rasulullah SAW. Rasa macam baginda ada dekat sebelah aku sahaja :') Rindu.

"Adik yang keras hati tu pun boleh teresak-esak masa tadah tangan" -Kakak.

Yes, I did. Often I did.

I was given the chance to come here at the age of 23, with my family. Alhamdulillah. 

Rasa macam nak tulis cerita pasal ni. Later bila ada kelapangan waktu, aku usahakan tulis semuanya di sini InsyaAllah. 

tak rindu

Pernah kan rasa gila dekat orang, dekat memori, dekat tempat yang kau rasa kalau pada masatu juga kau nak pergi jumpa orang tu/kembali ke memori manis malah pahit/berkunjung semula ke tempat tersebut. Tak, aku serius tengah rindu kat seseorang. Kahkah. 

Tapi orang kabor, bukan semua rindu tu kita boleh ucap. Bukan setiap kali rindu tu kita boleh luah. Kan? Kang kita kabor ke berulang kali dia jadi annoyed pula dengan kita. Clingy sangat pun tak ke mana juga kan? Ceh! Ayat nak sedapkan hati ke tu?

Sebenarnya macamni, bila dah start rindu ke something/someone, lepastu mula lah melarat rindu ke benda lain. Macam memula teringat sikit je kat something/someone, lepastu mula la putar imbas balik memori silam yang manis pahit, orang-orang yang dah lama tak ketemu ataupun tempat yang pernah kita kunjung tiba sebelumnya. Sebabtu tak suka nak mula rindu. Eh, ke aku sahaja yang perangai camni?

Tapi eh, kenapa tulis pasal ni? Tengah teringat kat someone la tu sebabtu tulis macam gini. 

Bai, nak tidur. Esok long day. Eh hari-hari pun long day bagi seorang aku. Moga seorang aku ini tabah dan kuat. Sikit lagi ni *tepuk bahu sendiri*.

senyap

Aku diam, bukan aku tak nampak.

Aku diam, aku perhati.

Aku diam, sebab aku malas banyak bunyi.

Aku diam, tapi kau pula seolah lari.

I leave it to you, my dear.

penghargaan

You don't do something with the intention just to get someone else's appreciation. You simply don't. What is the point of doing something nice though and telling people about it. And you said "I didn't hope for anything bla bla bla in return" that you actually meant that someone should at least give you some appreciation or you must be acknowledged for that. Should he/she says that he/she is proud of your good deeds too?

Pathetic yet annoying. 

You are so jobless that you live everyday to give someone else lectures on everything that you seems to know about. You are the only one that is right about everything. Pffttt. Please grow up and get a life. Oh, you are so old that you don't have to grow up anymore. You forget something that is called respect. 

Don't expect me to be polite to you next time we meet. I have already lost that little respect towards you. 

Selamat 2015

Dah masuk tahun baru 2015. Eh macam tak percaya. Aku malas nak taip "eh, rasa cepat betul masa berlalu", sounds cliche kan? Eh, aku tulis dah pun. Cliche much? Tapi memang cepat teramat sangat 2014 berlalu. Dia macam datang, singgah sekejap lepastu terus pergi. 

Sementara aku masih di sini, mengaji engineering tak habis-habis. Woi bilalah boleh grad boleh jadi engineer ni. Eh, aku ada. Kadang-kadang ada juga rasa nak sign in dan tulis sesuatu kat blog ni, tapi kekangan masa tak dapat dielak. Serius ah sibuk sampai baru aku rasa nikmat (baca: sengsara) kehidupan seorang pelajar. Macamlah baru sekarang pun kau mula jadi pelajar *masukkan ikon sarkastik.

Sekarang pun tengah bersengsara dengan buku, nota-nota kecil, aku curi sign in sekejap sebab aku rindu betei dengan blog ni. Sleeping pattern totally messed up. Eh bukan time final exam macam sekarang je yang aku mess my sleeping pattern, malah selalu pun. Kalau tak sebab siapkan kerja (termasuk study untuk kuiz dan test keesokan hari, siapkan assignment yang tertangguh, kerja sampingan lain) pun, tengok movie pun penyumbang kepada ke-messed-up-an sleeping pattern aku. Ehh? 

Aku kena ada inspirasi. Eh tetiba.

Okey, aku rasa aku dah patut tidur. Esok pagi (atau kejap lagi) perlu sambung berjuang untuk sisa baki dua paper lagi. Doakan yang baik-baik sahaja. 

Aku masih memikir apa motif post ni sebenarnya. Hmm. Mungkin sekadar ucapan selamat tahun 2015 (yang jelas aku sambut dengan final exam yang tinggal lagi dua). 

Jadi, Selamat Tahun 2015 semua orang!